A merry heart model children's future behavior in managing the unexpected

I was reading an article of the value of laughter at home.  As I was reflecting on some pointers in the article, I realized I 'sometimes' over react in small little things like little hands accidentally drop my IPad, spill juices on table, whining of not liking the food I prepared, complains over their daily routine, throwing tantrum to get more attention and so on. Well, it does make me feeling guilty. It makes me feel worst when the article said, our children behavior models after our behaviors in managing the unexpected. 

I am writing this to remind myself to lighten up the unexpected situation at home. Being discern and aware is the starting. I have to remind myself that my reaction to the unexpected teaches my children many things. If I am showing a happy heart with discern brain, it will help my children to model me in managing their frustrating dilemma in the future. I want to fill their memories bank account with positiveness. I will add laughter into my daily responsibility and routine by:

1. Counting 1 to 5 so my brain will stop for a moment before I react

2. Put a smile on my face so I can think better

3. Instead of asking 'why' or blame, lecture and scold my children, I will bite my tongue and continue to smile... so I can calm down

4. Pray to God so He can guide me in handling the unexpected situation

5. Discern between a true crisis and and opportunity for a healthy laughter... This will takes a lot of practice...

Please share if you have something that work very well for you :-)

To judge or not to judge?

Recently I spoke to few mothers about education. It looks like (always been) the Chinese school system here put a lot emphasis on academic. 

Mother will say 'poor thing'. Parents wish their children to have more outdoor activities but 'no' time. Children have to go through so much pressure. Parents tried to sits with them every night to completed their homework together. This culture of 'supervising' has been going on and become a norm. The amount of pressure the children go through in their early years is 'no joke'. 

What's school expectation for a 7 years old child? They are expected to know how to write and spell. They are expected to be able to read, 'good' in comprehension, 'fast' in abacus and obedient in class. Children in Standard/Primary 1 are expected to read and write basic Chinese character. Teacher will call the parents if the child is 'slow' in the class. What about parents' expectation?

Parents always think their children can do better. They expect their children to stay focus and discipline in finishing their homework. They expect their children to follow instruction and direction by teacher in the class. Parents expect children to be less playful. It is a scary thought that children are expected to play less once they start school. The 'lingo' will be - have you finish your homework? Children is being force into a system. We have even seen parents took up mathematics class so they can teach Maths at home. (Nothing wrong with it) Parents is being force and conform into a system too. Parents desperately want their children to excel. We know, it's love. What about society pressure?

Are we careful about the different between 'society' standard and our children's standard? Society standard is temptation to parents. It's mass. All marketing activities from private will tailor to society standards and enticed parents to response accordingly. We will see all the advertising from enrichment centre promoting about 'additional' enrichment to prepare a child towards Standard/Primary 1. Some of day care centre unique selling proposition are preparing a child to Primary 2 when they are in Primary 1. Is that necessary? Can't the society learn to be patience towards our children and pace them age appropriately? Pressure among parents too. We starts to worry. Worry whether our child is ready to enter the school system. 

Parents are in dilemma when they starts preparing their child to Standard/Primary 1. The more we know about the education system, the more we feel they are loopholes. Parents feel uncertain, helpless and hopeless. Uncertain because limited choices, helpless because we can't control the outcome of which school the child is being send to and hopeless because we question the relevance of syllabus versus the 'real' world. We don't want to put our children to an unnecessary rat race on academic. But we don't want our children to slack because of no direction either. We don't denied the important of academic but we value more about children exposure and proactivity telling us their needs so we evaluate and make decision together. It's their life, not our life. Empowerment is easy to 'say' but not easy when 'practice'. 

What we can do as parents to cushion these external pressure? 

Don't judge our children's ability. Because of external pressure, it's very easy for educators and parents to judge their children. Children as early as 3 years old is being judged. Comments like 'she is loud', 'he is too active and noisy', 'he is a slow learner', 'she is obedience', 'he is bossy' and so on is everywhere. I call these 'free opinions'. This is unfair to children. They are curious in the world around them. As their mobility increase, that's when the fun starts. And that's when all the judgement come too. Therefore, it's important for parents to not to pass judgement in front of their child. Don't label them. The world that our children live in are so judging. Parents has to provide 'cushion' for it. If children feels safe and not being judge at home, they will prosper. Children will raise their 'bar' and achieve.

Parents have to grow within themselves. They have to learn to see things beyond their children. To lead their children and not undermining their ability. Leading them to love learning, to love exploring, to respect authority, to understand the important of boundaries, to inculcate the right eating and sleeping habits, to learn self control, to empower decision making that build self confident and self worth age appropriately and the list go on. Parents should lead their children into possibilities of becoming and not conforming. Parents should learn to stop 'commenting' but empowering. Having said that, all families have their own priority to mould their children.

To lead is to trust. Do we trust our children enough? This is tough. 'Trust them'? 'Trust these little people?' Learning to let go the 'control' is a learning experience for parents. If parents feel their children's decision is incomplete (most of the time) children will learn to depend too much on parents. In return, parents will feel burden and continue to make decision for them. The vicious cycle go on and on. The child will never grow. Parents should understand that they shouldn't babysit their children forever. To trust them is to see things through our children's paradigm. Our own paradigm is full of our past experiences. Our children's paradigm has no past experiences but with our influence. If parents are able to provide positive influence and empowerment, the child will learn and take full responsibility of their life. And prosper. 

Take time off to crystallize the family value. Rat race in the world will go on and on. It's important for parents to know their vision for their family before they are being sucks into a system. By holding onto a strong family value, our children will learn too. First, they learn from their parents. Then, they will learn not to conform if the external temptation and pressure go against their value system. 

Initiate involvement. Include our children before we make any decision for them. This is tough. Especially when parents know they know better (with life experiences). Eg. If a child is weak in Maths, does he need an enrichment / a tuition class? Yes and No. The question we should ask is what drive him to learn? We shouldn't focus on his weakness and tell the whole world he needs to attend tuition. We should discuss find out what drives him to achieve and improve. I know, it's easy say than done. Organize weekly discussion to discuss issues. Make decision together as family. The family will not only prosper, a confident with good self esteem child will emerge from here. 

All it takes is practice and time. Practice makes things perfect. Time will show us the result. When our children see us putting in effort to work things out as family together, they will learn to work things out with us. They will learn to be sensitive to our needs. They will learn to respect authority when we say 'no'. They will learn to handle disappointment when things don't happen their way and will pick themselves up to move on. They will learn that it's ok not to conform and be identical all the time. 

I am writing this to remind myself. I am living in the world with multiple temptation and pressure from different sources. It's acceptable for not being perfect as parents. We are human. But it's not acceptable if parents 'forget' to look at a child strength and help him grow. Let's allow our children enjoy every bit of their childhood with us. Let them be the child they want to be. 

My Child is Testing My Limit - Parenting Basics Part 4

Have you ever think that why my child test me all the time? Or why my child put me into trouble and embarrass me? Or why my child likes to challenge my authority and test their boundaries? I use to get very upset when I am faced with defiance moment. A child that scream at me in public, a child that throw a fork and hit another person next to our table, a child that scream and shout (because didn't get to buy her favourite toy) all the way to car park and a child that lying down on the floor screaming in the shopping mall? Or you have a screaming child in a cot wanting attention and a child that constantly biting his sibling? Familiar? If not, you are lucky! Appreciate your child.

We might think the cause could be no effective enforcement of limit and punishment at home. We use time out, threats, hand hitting, threatening voice, raise our hands pretending to hit and so on, nothing work. The worst part is it brought guilts to us. If we want our children to behave, why are we modeling such bad behavior? The worst part is the older child will model our behaviour and threaten the younger siblings.

Don't we want to have a trusting relationship with our children? Don't we want to ensure we are the person they turn to when they are indecisive about important decision in life?

I realized that they are not doing it purposely. The good news is our toddler and preschooler are too young to plan a plot to test us. Many of times, parents get into power struggle because it's a parent problem. A child does something that don't make sense to parents but make sense to themselves. They spill water from the cup because of their curiosity. Parents see it as chore to clean up. They empty their cupboard because they like the motion of putting things in and out the closet, we see them as being naughty and messing around. They run and jump into the swimming pool with joy, we give them one hour lecture on why they shouldn't. (yes, they shouldn't but we don't lecture them and give impression that swimming pool is dangerous). They used up all the shower gel in one time because they love the smell and bubbles from it. We see them as playful. They love the world so much and try to make sense in the world they live in. We need to learn to cool down before we react. Yes, I am talking to myself. I need to take 3 deep breath (my husband remind me that always) and think again.

Second, they throw tantrum or whining because they have lost their connection with us. They are away to school and day care while we work. They missed us, the most important person in their life. When we pick them from day care, reach home only to find out that they leave their bag in the middle of the living room, socks at the doorstep, blast the radio etc. We feel annoyed and starts commenting. Over time, they feel they are not loved. They feel they are loved only when they do their chores and when they behave. They feel they are love conditionally. The love connection is lost. Imagine we are at work whole day. We look forward to reach home so we can do things we like. Children too. They are in day care for more than 8 hours and they look forward to come home, the place they belong and do things they like.

The best thing to do is we freshen up and spend time to listen and chat before we head to do our chores. Spend time to listen. Yes, listen. Connect with them. I learned not to ask close ended question because all I get is OK, Good, Not bad, a one word answer. I always crack my head and try to ask open ended question like : What did you learn from school today? Who is sitting next to you during lunch time? How did you solve the maths problem today? Can you show me how to write the chinese character you learn today? What game did you play outdoor today? Who is your playmate in circle time? Let them talk as much as they want to. From the conversation, they will feel secure in our presence. Once they feel secure, they will be themselves and more importantly, they will be the best them and even try to please us. They feel good about themselves. Our children feel important.

I remember when my second child was born, daddy took over story book time at night. Out of the 3 months, I read about 7 days in total. The intimate connection between me and my elder girl was lost. Before my second child, I read story book and bible story to her most of the time. It became worst when we moved to a new country. She entered new school, new routine, new friends and new environment. She would scream easily in public, scream to daddy in a restaurant, breakdown easily at home, woke up at least 3 times after midnight (my eye was very panda look ^^), reluctant to listen and very demanding. I don't recognise it as terrible 2 or 3 or 4. I don't believe in such labelling. There must be underlying issue. I was upset and thought I have failed as a mom. I recognised the problem and proactively read and read and read and purchased online parenting course to learn.

What I did was, I plan one to one time with her. I ensure my baby go for afternoon nap when she comes back from school and give her full attention. It took me about 3 weeks to see the different. Now, she is like angel. She will negotiate and make decision together with me, cooperatively. I am counting my blessing. The next challenge now is my baby is reluctant to take afternoon nap. She has grown. So I introduce quiet time at home. When my elder girl has her quiet time, I have one to one time with my second child. When my second child has her quiet time in the cot, I have one to one time with my elder girl. It's not easy for them to have such habit. One would scream and shout from the cot and one will breakdown and asked why.

I found out that children will behave and want to please their parents if they feel loved unconditionally. If a child continuously having behavioral problem, it's important for parents to be deliberate to find the cause and assist the child. We wish all the parents out there the best and stay connected always to your children. Every child is special.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.

Note: I rule out all the behavioural problem that require medical attention.

Do we prepare our child for peer and world pressure? - Parenting BasicPart 3

In the world we are living in today, everything around us can be seen as temptations. A child might ask us:

1. Daddy, my friend has this, I want it too.
2. Mommy, my friend didn't invite me to her party.
3. Daddy, my friend went to US and visited Disneyland. Can we go?
4. Mommy, my friend had her birthday party in the class, I want it too. Please prepare a nice goodies bag for my friend. I want to have..... inside the party bag.
5. Mommy, I saw on TV that Toy r Us has new Minnie Mouse toys. Can you buy that for me?
6. Daddy, I saw on TV that Jack and the Neverland pirate will be celebrating his birthday. Whoever that make a card for him can go on TV. Can you help me make a card and send to him?
7. Mommy, I like that water bottle. My friend has that Thomas and friends bottle. Can I have one too?
8. Mommy, my friends eat chocolates for breakfast. Can I eat one too?
9. Mommy, my friend wear necklace and bracelet to school. I want to wear too.
10. Mommy, my friends just bought a pair of new pair of shoes. Can you buy a pair of new sandals?
11. Daddy, can I have my own iPad? My friends has one and brought to school today.
12. Mommy, I think it's time for me to have a phone. Friends around my age has their own phone.

Our child is looking for acceptance according to world standard. Have we as parents ask ourselves how can we assist our child to develop a skill to stand firm from these worldly temptations and peer pressure? It will be more as they grow. Even as adult, we often care what others think and do not want to be labelled as too different.

It's our (parents or caregiver) responsibility to help our child to develop a positive identity that is not dependent on a group for her self worth. If our children know her own sense of personal identity, she will know her own limit and capabilities to stand firm against negative influence or peer pressure.

My daughter started school at 3 years old. That was the year she learnt most about Disney cartoon characters. That's was the year she knew what is Barbie and princesses. Nothing wrong with it but the tales of having a Prince Charming and live happily ever after is too easy for an ending. It set a standard to children to look for prince charming to fall in love and live happily ever after. Children especially girls want to dress like princess, be treated like a princess, want to feel special and want to be seen as 'pretty'. Will girls grow up without appreciating who they are but chasing for fame, beauty and material?

Along with these pressure, we come to realize the importance to teach God's standard. Does God value outward appearance? What God value? I remember we struggled every time we walked into Toy r us to buy birthday present for her friend. My daughter will demand to have a new barbie. I will balance and try to influence her on reason she don't need one. It's a challenge. I found it easier to talk to her when we have set a standard on things that we value at home. She understands.

I remember she asked to organize a birthday party in her school when we were in Malaysia. Almost every other week, she came home with goodies bag full of junk food. Deep in my heart, I knew this is not something we value at home. We seldom has junk food at home. So to set a standard, I asked whether does she want to share the joy of reading with her friend? She asked 'how'? So I suggested to give story books one per child instead of party bags. She agreed. I bought a bundle of Level 1 stories book from Big Bad Wolf book sales. I had her write her friends name on the book and thank them celebrating her birthday.

I often assured my children that God made them very special. God loves them and know them personally. I remind them that they do not need to be someone else to be acceptable to Him. In Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I always pray together with them that they will have personal relationship with God, that God will grant them wisdom and principles to help with any problem or temptation they have when we are not there for them.

Knowing that peer pressure is coming into our children life is one thing, making decision to prepare them is another. Are we leading by example? It's not easy as it will put parents into 'out of control' moments. We, as adults don't like uncertainty and out of control. But if it's for the betterment of our children, is it worth our time and effort to prepare our child at home? Are we studying God's word and use the real people in bible as example to teach them to resist temptation and negative peer pressure? Eg. David did not give in to peer pressure when he could have harmed his enemy Saul (1 Samuel 24:1-7). Irregardless our faith, parents know what is best for our children. Every child is unique.

We can starts doing little, little things at home. Chatting with them is good starts. Tell them how you have overcome peer pressure and temptation at work and in your life. Soon, they will honestly tell you theirs. Trust me, it's fun to hear their stories. I often learnt the most from their example.

Let's help our children appreciate and accept who they are and lead them to learn and practice the right value so they can create a better world for more generations to come.

Setting Limit For Children - Parenting Basic Part 2

God has clearly told Adam and Eve about what they could do at Garden of Eden. He also told them the consequence if they chose to disobey the rules.

As parents, we often set limit to our children too. Often, our children ask why we set limit to them and make their life difficult. It's parents' responsibility to set limits of behavior for their children, like God's limit to Adam and Eve.

In Dr James Dobson's book 'Discipline with Love', setting limits should be done in a firm and loving way. The limits should be told in a gentle and firm tone so our children understand the limit. Set clear limits and allow appropriate consequences to follow all behavior being good or bad. The good news is that the consequence comes from home and not outside world. Home should be a child first experience in limits and consequence. Upon implementation of the limits, parents may observed tantrums with tears or listened to angry argument. The best response to this dissatisfaction is firm but loving determination.

Setting limits work exceptionally well for me. I found out that it's important for parents to follow through with what we have said on a consistent basis without anger or high emotion. I have personally changed over the years (have been praying to ask Him to remove my anger and replace it with His wisdom and love) to manage my reaction and my anger to disobedient. I have seen changes to the outcome when I am calm, firm, loving and gentle towards my children tantrums.

According to the Lesson 5 in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class, limits act like a 'security fence' for your children, helping her feel safe. The child who often tests the limits wants to know if her boundaries are securely in place. This is what I did and work well for me and has built trust between me and my children:-

1. Draw boundaries in a positive and loving manner
The child must know what is the boundaries. It's made know to them age appropriately.
Example: The child is throwing tantrum and reluctant to go to bed >> I know how you feel but it's your sleeping time now. You have to clean up now. I would repeatedly said it irregardless her tantrums. I will held her in my arm gently and lovingly and look into her eyes and said it.

2. Give logical age appropriate explanation
Example: Please buckle in your car seat so you will be safely protected. Please brush your teeth twice a day so your teeth and mouth are clean. Please apply sunblock before you head to the beach so your skin is protected.

3. Have eye contact and get her full attention when giving an instruction.
Example: Look at me, make sure you stay right with me at the exhibition hall. Come here sweetheart (hold them gently), mommy want you to clean up your mess.

4. Give praise
Whenever my child put in effort to demonstrate good behavior, I will praise them. They want parents' approval all the time.
Example: I can see you put in effort to...., you have helped me with... I am so glad to have you as my daughter/son..., you have clear the dining table, thanks for helping me...

Over the years, my children know that the boundaries we established is out of love and not to make their life difficult. My children know their boundaries are securely in place. We are very careful in setting age appropriate and reasonable boundaries. We are still being test by them daily. But the different is they accept with less tantrum and power struggle. They have learnt what is the acceptable behaviors at home. As consequence of that, they thrive in their daily life. We hope when they grow up, they will eventually set a wise limit for themselves.

Role Model - Parenting Basic Part 1

1. We are the role model to our children

Children are gifts from God! They are perfectly made in God's image. They are born to imitate us because we (parents) are the most important person in their life. We are the most important pillar to our children. In our children's eyes, we are their hero.

Things we say and do, they will be too. If we are whiner ourselves, our children will be one. If we are achiever, our children will too. If we feel we are loser, our children will think they don't deserve to win.

Therefore, model the right behaviors and value. We are glad that we had discussion on how we want to raise our baby during my first pregnancy. It can sound inflexible at times, but we are glad we are holding hands especially when the journey gets tough.

Give ourselves a pat on our back as parenting is never easy. We love our children so much that we are striving to be a good model to our children. We believe there are few things to look into if we are keen to build the right foundations to model.

a. Discuss with our partner to determine the 'mood' at home. We must understand we are the designer of our marriage and family life. We simply can't function together as a family if we drag our baby into our busy schedule and expecting them to adapt to the crazy world outside the womb. Strike a balance. Create the schedule, the expected responsibility for each other and the routine for the baby. At least these are within our circle of influence. We are modeling 'certainty' at home. Our children do not need to 'second guess' us. And I believe that is a security blanket for them.

b. By having item a, strike an agreement to respect and solve all the possible challenges calmly together. Your baby is watching. You will be amaze how your baby imitate you when she utters her first word. We are modeling respect, self control and team work.

c. Have quiet time together regularly. We love each other. Your spouse deserve your attention. We are modeling strong marriage relationship and our children will have theirs when it's time for them.

d. Pursue our passion. We know passion stir positive energy. Our children is looking at us and we are creating that positive energy. Who don't want to associate with positive achiever? We are modeling the attitude of achieving.

e. Determine to minimize bad habits. We all know things that are harmful to your children. We are modeling to have the right habits that prosper us and not destroy us.

f. Love ourselves. Yes, we need to pamper ourselves to keep our sanity intact. If we love 'us', our children will love their life. Isn't that what we want as parents?

I am still "a work in progress" myself. Those pointers is a reminder to me. The good news is I am not alone in this 'business'. Who don't want to have an ideal situation? Striving towards it will make the journey meaningful.

Below are some scriptures that I relate to and I would like to share with the readers.

A. 1 Corinthians 11:1
Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.

B. Philippians 4:8-9
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

C. Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

D. Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

E. Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

What teats to use?

I have a first time mom asking me : What teats should I use? The one with one hole or cross hole?

I recommend mother who want to breast feed don't start them with bottle too early. Why? For the first 5 days, our body is adjusting to produce milk for our new born. If we use bottle to feed them, they know there's another way for them to get milk faster and therefore will throw tantrum every time the milk don't reach them fast enough. I recommend starts bottle at 6 weeks, then you have at least 2 weeks to train your baby on bottle before you go back to work.

I am using one hole teats. The cross teats encourage faster flowing of milk. For breast feeding mom, it might not be a good idea because our let down might not be as fast as from the bottle with cross teats, then your baby will be frustrated.

My lesson :

When I first delivered EeRynn, she cried a lot. I sent her to nursery in the hospital so I can rest during my first & second day after delivery. Because of that, the nurse cup feed her. By second day when I discharge from hospital, she already throwing tantrum because my let down is slow. She refuse to suckle and restless.

First night at home, she cried from 9pm to 4am. Second night at home she cried from 8pm till 5am. It took us 2 nights to figure out the above. Come the third day, we cup feed her and she stop crying and sleep peacefully. Wow.... Because I have decided to breastfeed her, I continue my journey and stop cup feeding her. I have to stand all her tantrum & crying. I continue talking to her that she need to suckle harder to get more milk. It improves.

I promised myself that when I have my second baby, I will make sure he/she will stay with me throughout my stay in the hospital.

Great lesson... :>

New BB Sitter - My baby refuse to eat - How?

I received an sms asking for advise : My baby refuse to eat & drink today because new baby sitter... Help!

My response :

1. Have you tell your bb on your plan sending her to new bb sitter?

- I learnt to tell EeRynn on every new plan for her. Informing her in advance allowing her to accept new changes when time comes. Eg. I remember planning her a new room when she was 14 months old. I have informed her that she's going to have her own room by herself, 2 weeks in advance. When time comes, she anticipate it and we make it a celebration that she can sleep on her own.
- Inform them in advance ( no matter how old your bb or whether they understand or not ) will lead to emotional stability which leads to trusting relationship. Try it, you will enjoy the result... Like me enjoying every single moment. No matter what changes we made, she seems adjust to it very well because she understand... This is a blessing.

2. Try to brief your new bb sitter on her old schedule / daily habits during previous bb sitter. This will allow your bb to feel secure despite changes of environment. Your bb will only need to cope with the new environment but not daily schedule. Therefore, it will minimize insecurity & tantrum.