Have you ever think that why my child test me all the time? Or why my child put me into trouble and embarrass me? Or why my child likes to challenge my authority and test their boundaries? I use to get very upset when I am faced with defiance moment. A child that scream at me in public, a child that throw a fork and hit another person next to our table, a child that scream and shout (because didn't get to buy her favourite toy) all the way to car park and a child that lying down on the floor screaming in the shopping mall? Or you have a screaming child in a cot wanting attention and a child that constantly biting his sibling? Familiar? If not, you are lucky! Appreciate your child.
We might think the cause could be no effective enforcement of limit and punishment at home. We use time out, threats, hand hitting, threatening voice, raise our hands pretending to hit and so on, nothing work. The worst part is it brought guilts to us. If we want our children to behave, why are we modeling such bad behavior? The worst part is the older child will model our behaviour and threaten the younger siblings.
Don't we want to have a trusting relationship with our children? Don't we want to ensure we are the person they turn to when they are indecisive about important decision in life?
I realized that they are not doing it purposely. The good news is our toddler and preschooler are too young to plan a plot to test us. Many of times, parents get into power struggle because it's a parent problem. A child does something that don't make sense to parents but make sense to themselves. They spill water from the cup because of their curiosity. Parents see it as chore to clean up. They empty their cupboard because they like the motion of putting things in and out the closet, we see them as being naughty and messing around. They run and jump into the swimming pool with joy, we give them one hour lecture on why they shouldn't. (yes, they shouldn't but we don't lecture them and give impression that swimming pool is dangerous). They used up all the shower gel in one time because they love the smell and bubbles from it. We see them as playful. They love the world so much and try to make sense in the world they live in. We need to learn to cool down before we react. Yes, I am talking to myself. I need to take 3 deep breath (my husband remind me that always) and think again.
Second, they throw tantrum or whining because they have lost their connection with us. They are away to school and day care while we work. They missed us, the most important person in their life. When we pick them from day care, reach home only to find out that they leave their bag in the middle of the living room, socks at the doorstep, blast the radio etc. We feel annoyed and starts commenting. Over time, they feel they are not loved. They feel they are loved only when they do their chores and when they behave. They feel they are love conditionally. The love connection is lost. Imagine we are at work whole day. We look forward to reach home so we can do things we like. Children too. They are in day care for more than 8 hours and they look forward to come home, the place they belong and do things they like.
The best thing to do is we freshen up and spend time to listen and chat before we head to do our chores. Spend time to listen. Yes, listen. Connect with them. I learned not to ask close ended question because all I get is OK, Good, Not bad, a one word answer. I always crack my head and try to ask open ended question like : What did you learn from school today? Who is sitting next to you during lunch time? How did you solve the maths problem today? Can you show me how to write the chinese character you learn today? What game did you play outdoor today? Who is your playmate in circle time? Let them talk as much as they want to. From the conversation, they will feel secure in our presence. Once they feel secure, they will be themselves and more importantly, they will be the best them and even try to please us. They feel good about themselves. Our children feel important.
I remember when my second child was born, daddy took over story book time at night. Out of the 3 months, I read about 7 days in total. The intimate connection between me and my elder girl was lost. Before my second child, I read story book and bible story to her most of the time. It became worst when we moved to a new country. She entered new school, new routine, new friends and new environment. She would scream easily in public, scream to daddy in a restaurant, breakdown easily at home, woke up at least 3 times after midnight (my eye was very panda look ^^), reluctant to listen and very demanding. I don't recognise it as terrible 2 or 3 or 4. I don't believe in such labelling. There must be underlying issue. I was upset and thought I have failed as a mom. I recognised the problem and proactively read and read and read and purchased online parenting course to learn.
What I did was, I plan one to one time with her. I ensure my baby go for afternoon nap when she comes back from school and give her full attention. It took me about 3 weeks to see the different. Now, she is like angel. She will negotiate and make decision together with me, cooperatively. I am counting my blessing. The next challenge now is my baby is reluctant to take afternoon nap. She has grown. So I introduce quiet time at home. When my elder girl has her quiet time, I have one to one time with my second child. When my second child has her quiet time in the cot, I have one to one time with my elder girl. It's not easy for them to have such habit. One would scream and shout from the cot and one will breakdown and asked why.
I found out that children will behave and want to please their parents if they feel loved unconditionally. If a child continuously having behavioral problem, it's important for parents to be deliberate to find the cause and assist the child. We wish all the parents out there the best and stay connected always to your children. Every child is special.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
Note: I rule out all the behavioural problem that require medical attention.
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