To judge or not to judge?

Recently I spoke to few mothers about education. It looks like (always been) the Chinese school system here put a lot emphasis on academic. 

Mother will say 'poor thing'. Parents wish their children to have more outdoor activities but 'no' time. Children have to go through so much pressure. Parents tried to sits with them every night to completed their homework together. This culture of 'supervising' has been going on and become a norm. The amount of pressure the children go through in their early years is 'no joke'. 

What's school expectation for a 7 years old child? They are expected to know how to write and spell. They are expected to be able to read, 'good' in comprehension, 'fast' in abacus and obedient in class. Children in Standard/Primary 1 are expected to read and write basic Chinese character. Teacher will call the parents if the child is 'slow' in the class. What about parents' expectation?

Parents always think their children can do better. They expect their children to stay focus and discipline in finishing their homework. They expect their children to follow instruction and direction by teacher in the class. Parents expect children to be less playful. It is a scary thought that children are expected to play less once they start school. The 'lingo' will be - have you finish your homework? Children is being force into a system. We have even seen parents took up mathematics class so they can teach Maths at home. (Nothing wrong with it) Parents is being force and conform into a system too. Parents desperately want their children to excel. We know, it's love. What about society pressure?

Are we careful about the different between 'society' standard and our children's standard? Society standard is temptation to parents. It's mass. All marketing activities from private will tailor to society standards and enticed parents to response accordingly. We will see all the advertising from enrichment centre promoting about 'additional' enrichment to prepare a child towards Standard/Primary 1. Some of day care centre unique selling proposition are preparing a child to Primary 2 when they are in Primary 1. Is that necessary? Can't the society learn to be patience towards our children and pace them age appropriately? Pressure among parents too. We starts to worry. Worry whether our child is ready to enter the school system. 

Parents are in dilemma when they starts preparing their child to Standard/Primary 1. The more we know about the education system, the more we feel they are loopholes. Parents feel uncertain, helpless and hopeless. Uncertain because limited choices, helpless because we can't control the outcome of which school the child is being send to and hopeless because we question the relevance of syllabus versus the 'real' world. We don't want to put our children to an unnecessary rat race on academic. But we don't want our children to slack because of no direction either. We don't denied the important of academic but we value more about children exposure and proactivity telling us their needs so we evaluate and make decision together. It's their life, not our life. Empowerment is easy to 'say' but not easy when 'practice'. 

What we can do as parents to cushion these external pressure? 

Don't judge our children's ability. Because of external pressure, it's very easy for educators and parents to judge their children. Children as early as 3 years old is being judged. Comments like 'she is loud', 'he is too active and noisy', 'he is a slow learner', 'she is obedience', 'he is bossy' and so on is everywhere. I call these 'free opinions'. This is unfair to children. They are curious in the world around them. As their mobility increase, that's when the fun starts. And that's when all the judgement come too. Therefore, it's important for parents to not to pass judgement in front of their child. Don't label them. The world that our children live in are so judging. Parents has to provide 'cushion' for it. If children feels safe and not being judge at home, they will prosper. Children will raise their 'bar' and achieve.

Parents have to grow within themselves. They have to learn to see things beyond their children. To lead their children and not undermining their ability. Leading them to love learning, to love exploring, to respect authority, to understand the important of boundaries, to inculcate the right eating and sleeping habits, to learn self control, to empower decision making that build self confident and self worth age appropriately and the list go on. Parents should lead their children into possibilities of becoming and not conforming. Parents should learn to stop 'commenting' but empowering. Having said that, all families have their own priority to mould their children.

To lead is to trust. Do we trust our children enough? This is tough. 'Trust them'? 'Trust these little people?' Learning to let go the 'control' is a learning experience for parents. If parents feel their children's decision is incomplete (most of the time) children will learn to depend too much on parents. In return, parents will feel burden and continue to make decision for them. The vicious cycle go on and on. The child will never grow. Parents should understand that they shouldn't babysit their children forever. To trust them is to see things through our children's paradigm. Our own paradigm is full of our past experiences. Our children's paradigm has no past experiences but with our influence. If parents are able to provide positive influence and empowerment, the child will learn and take full responsibility of their life. And prosper. 

Take time off to crystallize the family value. Rat race in the world will go on and on. It's important for parents to know their vision for their family before they are being sucks into a system. By holding onto a strong family value, our children will learn too. First, they learn from their parents. Then, they will learn not to conform if the external temptation and pressure go against their value system. 

Initiate involvement. Include our children before we make any decision for them. This is tough. Especially when parents know they know better (with life experiences). Eg. If a child is weak in Maths, does he need an enrichment / a tuition class? Yes and No. The question we should ask is what drive him to learn? We shouldn't focus on his weakness and tell the whole world he needs to attend tuition. We should discuss find out what drives him to achieve and improve. I know, it's easy say than done. Organize weekly discussion to discuss issues. Make decision together as family. The family will not only prosper, a confident with good self esteem child will emerge from here. 

All it takes is practice and time. Practice makes things perfect. Time will show us the result. When our children see us putting in effort to work things out as family together, they will learn to work things out with us. They will learn to be sensitive to our needs. They will learn to respect authority when we say 'no'. They will learn to handle disappointment when things don't happen their way and will pick themselves up to move on. They will learn that it's ok not to conform and be identical all the time. 

I am writing this to remind myself. I am living in the world with multiple temptation and pressure from different sources. It's acceptable for not being perfect as parents. We are human. But it's not acceptable if parents 'forget' to look at a child strength and help him grow. Let's allow our children enjoy every bit of their childhood with us. Let them be the child they want to be. 

Things that matters most..

It's a month! A month of school holidays. We are back to Malaysia for 2 weeks. It's a week now. Time flies. It was good to meet people that matters to us. Catch up and eat! 

We have been away for a year. I realized it's s easy to take things for granted in our daily life. When we were here, we would justify whether to take an extra effort to meet person A or person B. Partly because we were very busy in our career then, coping with work and family and feels tired most of the time. Therefore, there are time we made decision of staying at home. Excuses and reason is always there.

This trip allowed me to see the importance to make an extra effort (despite super pack schedule) to meet friends and family. I realized the strong relationship will last for a long long time. We are modeling. Teaching our children the important to building relationship with people that matters to us. 

This was a fruitful visit since the last one year. I get to meet my CG friends. Ee Rynn has decided on her first sleep over. As I am sitting here pondering whether she will be ok, I realized it's time to let go. Mommy has to learn to let go so she can learn to be independent. She stayed over at her favourite uncle Kah Wan's house. He is our CG leader. Ee Rynn is so close to her 13 years old daughter. A wise man told me when I was young to allow our children to build relationship with someone whom I trust (same value system). Because there will be times we (as parents) will not able to influence them positively. This is when these person will play an important role. I am glad Ee Rynn has build a few relationship with few friends whom we trust and able to influence her positively. 

I get to meet my family, some of my friend and ex-colleagues. Everyone seems has moved on in life but the relationship stays. This visits has taught me a lesson. To make effort to build priceless relationship that will last for a life time. 

Family Holiday in Phuket ( 2nd to 6th June 2013 )

Very excited with this holiday.. Have mixed feeling because little Ee Wern get restless in a confine seats.. Thinking of ways to keep her occupied will make me anxious. As for Ee Rynn, she choose to play iPad games instead of doodling. She has her favourite Ribena pastilles and that's it.. 

2 hours journey to Phuket was smooth. Ee Wern was occupied with magazine, songs (sing by daddy and mommy), view outside the window and biscuits. As it will take another hour of car ride to the hotel, I decided to feed her so she can nap for an hour in the car. That worked well too. This is our first family holiday since Ee Wern's arrival. We didn't do any prior 'homework' on what is Club Med all about. All we know : it's a family friendly hotel that provide ample activities for children, baby sitting service, free flow of food, liquor and wine. 

We were excited and right after snack, we spend time together in the pool. My girls love it! The hotel provides unlimited of wrist band, floats and beach ball to children. Subsequently, we went to the hotel tour to familiarize with the facilities. The service was not up to our expectation though. Hubby was quite upset. Food wasn't that great. For children, this is heaven! Unlimited ice cream during lunch n dinner and unlimited chocolate milk shake throughout the day! Beach was fantastic! Sandy beach with strong wind and waves. Recommended for surfing! Sand is very fine! Perfect to build sand castles. 

The next morning, Ee Rynn heads for children activities in mini club. We had quiet time with Ee Wern by the pool. My 15 months old loves to swim. Her favourite words are daddy, mommy, jie jie,  'there' (pointing her finger to direction she wants to go), 'mommy come' and 'mum mum' means food. After a good half an hour in the pool, she was tired and slept in the stroller. I get to read, yay yay.. Sea breeze with piña colada and a book. Perfect! In the afternoon, Ee Wern is in nursery, baby club. We paid for the baby sitting. Ee Wern screams for daddy and mommy when we left her at baby club. We feel sad but we have decided to try out. Daddy was anxious and stood at reception for a good 15mins before we left. Hubby has decided to go for a massage. I had my quiet time again. Sea breeze with 'mosquito killer (a name given to a glass of cocktail)' and a book. Perfect!

We had family dinner together. Catching up.. Ee Rynn was curious why I can read whole day. You mean you read since morning? Yes, I answered. Her eyes 'blink' with disbelief. *cute*. As for Ee Wern, the arrangement turns out fine. 'Pretend' to wailed a little when she saw me. 'Phew'.

The adventure starts the following day. We had light breakfast and head to 'trapeze' area for flying trapeze and bungee jump for kids. Ee Rynn loves it except for flying trapeze. She said she will try again at 11 years old. We wonder why 11 years old... Hehe We head to the beach after that. Family time together. Stayed there for a while as the sun is burning hot. It was very dry with strong wind. Ee Rynn loves it. In the afternoon, I have decided to try flying trapeze for adult. Did the simple practice before I climbed up. That little butterfly in my tummy was activated when I held the pole. Erm.. No turning back.. So I jumped and swing and perform the 'trick' they taught me. It went well. I never knew I can hang upside down swinging. I love it. First word that came into my mind is 'freedom'. Seeing the world in different angle :-) (picture below) Ee Rynn was cheering 'yay, mommy did it'! That feels good :-) 

Body aches though.

We have decided to send Ee Wern to full day baby sitting on Wednesday. She was exhausted from beach and pool the day before. After we sent her to baby club, we head to trapeze area again for kids bungee jump. Ee Rynn wants to try again. We head to archery next. It look simple but it's not. It took balancing to shoot correctly. Our arrows were flying with no direction. Haha. It's was fun! My hubby likes sport with no adrenaline rush while I prefer sports with it. We are so different :-) We head to beach next and it's one to one time with Ee Rynn. It was daddy and daughter's time. They spend a good 3 hours on the beach! Mommy has decided to read, eat and went for a massage with facial. I went to try flying trapeze again. Second time was different. Instead of thinking whether I can do it, I am thinking about improvement. Good to know I have conquered the fear.

When we picked Ee Wern in the evening, hubby and I has decided not to sent our girls to any babysitting anymore in any of our holidays. We missed her! We felt something was missing without bubbly Ee Wern. Haha.

Daddy and Ee Rynn stayed back for acrobatic show. Ee Wern and I head back to our room. Ee Wern was tired and slept early. We checked out the next day, on Thursday. It was a bumpy ride to airport. The driver kept pressing between brake and pedal. Ee Wern was struggling with me all the way, crying and screaming. Eventually she was exhausted and slept. Upon checking in our luggage, Ee Rynn vomited! 'Splashed' like a waterfall! Oppsss, right in front of the conveyor belt. She felt better after that. She was complaining about giddiness throughout the bumpy ride.

It was a challenging one hour plane ride. Ee Wern was restless. She was tired but can't settle down. I was telling my hubby that we should have a pacifier so she can settled down. I knew we shouldn't allow toddlers to depend on external comfort. Children should learn to settle down on their own. She dose off right before landing and I had to carry her all the way. Imagine walking for 15minutes with a pack of 15kg rice.

We are not sure whether we will choose Club Med for our next family holiday. Hubby felt the food was like a canteen food despite the variety. I kinda ok with it as I get to educate Ee Rynn. Educate Ee Rynn on different countries and foods. The foods serve consists of speciality from different country.

If you are someone who like to have continuous activities in your holiday, Club Med can be a good choice. The hotel is always busy with activities. However, if you like a laid back holiday (beach bump), Club Med might not be a right fit. This is just my personal opinion.

We are looking forward to our next adventures!

Assurance from Ee Rynn's K2 teacher

We attended Parents Teachers Meeting at Ee Rynn's school. Ee Rynn was excited showing us her projects. She has 3 projects : Starfish, fruits and ice bowl fruit salad projects.

We cherished the moment. She would explained and described the details. Who draw this, who makes that, who write this, who create that and so on.

Waited for a while and we met her Mandarin teacher. She commented that Ee Rynn can see a link between the Chinese characters she learnt. Especially in recognizing Chinese character. She recognize the similarity of a character that can be used in different sentence that bring different meaning. After clarification of preparation for Primary One, we meet her K2 teacher.

The first comment was 'What I like about both of you is you guys are on the ball and current'. She has progress very well. She loves to learn new things, want to lead, want to contribute, able to express her thought and participate very well. You have supported her well at home. She is ready for Primary One. Continue to do what you are doing.

This opinion has make my day. When I have decided to stay home, I never thought of wanting affirmation from 3rd party. Nurturing our girls are our priority and laying the foundation in these crucial years is our decision. We never measure our sacrifice. This comment has once again reminded me that the 'result' of my effort is 'unseen' at times but the reward is enormous. I call it 'delayed gratification'. Unlike at work, we have 'to do list' and 'check' it once it's completed.

We can't 'complete' our task in building a family. It needs loves, patience, perseverance and passion! I would never trade my experience now with another job promotion.

I feel so blessed and priviledge too. Growing up with my girls has taught me many lessons. Thank you God for your guidance and assurance as our family grow together.